3 years came too fast

As I was out on my run this morning I began thinking about Grant and how quickly the past 3 years have gone.  I can't believe he will be 3 tomorrow.  I decided to spend my run thinking about my son and the past 3 years. 

I thought about how long of a process it was to be able to have Grant.  I never imagined getting pregnant would have taken so long for me.  Even though I can recall all of those hard times, the hurt, the emotional stress and the longing that I had to have a baby...those times seem so insignificant now.  I knew in my heart that I was supposed to be a mom.  I also knew that God did things in his time and in his way.  And He definitely proved that by giving me Grant when He did.  My family was going through such a traumatic time with trying to cope and healing from the sudden passing of my brother-in-law Russell.  A month later I found out I was pregnant.  Once I found out it all just clicked and made sense to me.  This is how it was supposed to be.  God knew that my family would need this precious gift to help us through this difficult time.  He knew that my sister needed the special bond she has with my son to help her cope.  It wasn't easy for her, but the moment she laid eyes on Grant a few minutes after he was born she has had a smile on her face that is reserved just for Grant.  He loves her so much and I can't help but feel that there's a special piece of Russell in him.  He loves to play with Russell's wedding band that hangs on a necklace on my sister's neck.  He knows that it's Uncle Russell's ring and that it holds such great importance for my sister. 

I thought about the time I spent in labor.  The events that led up to arriving at the hospital and after.  The painful contractions but then the wonderful feeling after receiving my epidural.  The fast progression only to come to a halt because he turned face up.  The reality of when the doctor told me I had to have a C-section and I cried.  I purposefully didn't pay attention to that part in the labor class we took because I just knew I was going to have Grant the natural way.  The talk that my dad gave me before going into surgery.  The fast few minutes it took to get Grant out and to hear his cry.  I believe my heart stopped.  There he was...my Granty...just the way I dreamt him to be - blond hair and blue eyes with the sweetest face...the one I had prayed for for so long...the one I cried over and rejoiced over...the one that I knew would change my life forever.  Once we found out he was a boy I knew (well before I was even thinking about children) that I would name him Grant, my maiden name.  It's such a strong name and one that holds so many meanings.  My dad has always said that I was 110% Grant.  So why not name my son a name that holds such great importance.  I would be lying if I told you I wasn't nervous when we brought him home.  But the mother instincts had long since kicked in and we quickly became a family of 3 and had a daily routine.

I thought about his first year that held so many firsts..his first bath, rolling over, first tooth, first hug, first kiss, first word, crawling, clapping, first steps, first vacation, dancing and many others.  I wanted to be there and capture it all.  He went from being a fragile little baby to a fast moving one year old. 

I thought about his second year that also held many firsts...not all great but definitely milestones I know I won't ever forget...first temper tantrum, first time biting someone, first haircut, first swimming lesson.  The terrible twos reared its ugly head when he turned 18 months old.  So the twos were at times not the biggest treat.  But yet under all of that, my baby was quickly becoming a toddler.

Grant is very head strong.  He's worse than Jeremiah and I combined.  And that is definitely challenging at times.  He doesn't always enjoy getting up in the mornings and when he does it takes almost an act of Congress to get him dressed to go to daycare.  He's very opinionated.  He wants what he wants when he wants it.  He's not afraid to hit at you or tell you no or my personal favorite, no not eber!  He loves drama.  I swear he could win an academy award for it.  He doesn't always listen well.  I can't tell you how many times we go round and round with this one. 

But, he loves unconditionally.  He loves to give me hugs and kisses.  He will tell me he loves me multiple times a day.  My favorite is when he's sitting in my lap turns and says...ahh, mommy...love you too much.  My heart melts.  He smiles all the time.  His voice is the sweetest I have ever heard.  He plays so well with his toys.  He goes to bed without arguing.  He insists on us saying his prayers.  He loves a blanket.  He loves to snuggle.  He loves to come to work with me and see Chauncey's house.  He loves the iPad and iPhone.  He helps me clean house.  He loves the vacuum cleaner (I'm waiting for him to get big enough to vacuum himself...that will be his chore).  He loves to play outside.  He loves to play and watch football and basketball.  He's pretty good with his golf clubs.  He's devastated when the dogs eat his food or snacks.  He loves to be barefooted.  He loves to get in the car and ride.  He loves the beach.  He loves airplanes, helicopters, cars, trucks, tractors and motorcycles.  He says, yes ma'am, thank you and please.  He's a momma's boy! :)

All I ever wanted was to be a mom.  When God gave me Grant I vowed to teach him to always choose the right...to love God...to be an example for him just like my parents have always been for me...to teach him manners because that will get him so far in life...to always be there to listen to him...to show him how much I love him so I never have to question whether he knew I did...to protect him...to provide for him...to have fun with him...to make him laugh...to hold him...to wipe his tears away...to kiss his scrapes and bruises...to be his friend...to hug and kiss him...to snuggle with him...to teach him how to be a man...how to treat a woman...to love others...to be kind...to be respectful...to always make a wish...to always be positive...to not sweat the small stuff...how to learn from a mistake...to live life to the fullest.

My Granty has been the best gift I have ever received.  I'm so glad that I am his mom.  Happy 3rd Birthday Little Boy!  I hope your tractor party is all you hope it to be.  Love you much!

The new normal?

Tonight I feel compelled to write and express my feelings...

My feeling is this...I'm mad, I'm angry, I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm confused, I'm sad and I'm worried.  What is going on with our world today?  We aren't safe in airplanes anymore...someone took that safety away from us.  We aren't safe in our cars anymore...people that are careless and don't pay attention take that away from us everyday.  We aren't safe in our homes anymore...people feel the need to invade people's homes on a daily basis to take what's not theirs or to hurt whoever stand in their way take that away from us.  Our children, teachers and administrators aren't safe in schools anymore...thoughtless, spineless and cruel people have taken that away for so many.  What's left? 

So many awful things have happened recently.  Since December a school was gunned down and so many innocent lives were taken in just a few short minutes.  I cannot imagine what all of those individuals felt in that school that day.  Hearing those first gun shots, seeing the utter fear on the faces of those little ones who just thought it was supposed to be another day at school, the panic in the parent's eyes trying to find their little one, the horror of the images that the first responders will never forget seeing and the shock that this nation faced that someone could be that cruel.  Explosives go off during a marathon killing several, wounding many and changing the lives of thousands.  What should have been a happy day for all of those runners who worked so hard to get to Boston turned into a day they would never forget.  These runners are the elite or the elite.  The people there cheering them on are their family and friends who sacrificed just a much time as they did during all of the hours of training.  What gives anyone the right to take any of that away from us?  What makes someone so cruel that they feel the need to walk out their front door that morning and change people's lives for the worse forever?  What is in someone that makes them that mean and heartless? 

I know first hand the experience of tragedy and how quickly lives can change in a blink of an eye.  But I cannot imagine what it's like experiencing and witnessing something of this magnitude.  I've seen car accidents that was caused by someone texting or not paying attention or someone had too much to drink and made a bad choice to drive.  I've been driving down the road with my husband and son in the car watching an oncoming car lose complete control of his SUV because he was on his phone.  Everything went in slow motion as I had this huge car coming at me full speed.  I watched him lose control and go on two wheels.  I just knew that he was going to flip and take us with him.  I've experienced the absolute dread and terror knowing that there wasn't anything I could do to get out of his way...he was coming right for us.  In that split second I turned to look back at my precious son wondering what could I do to protect him as he slept peacefully in his carseat.  As quickly as it happened the driver was able to jerk his car across four lanes of traffic into the front lawn of a business barely missing my car and two others.  When faced with these moments you try to make the conscientious effort to pay more attention, to be more careful, to not look at your phone because it's really not more important that the lives of the ones in your car or the cars around you. 

But what's different from what I've experienced than others is that these acts were deliberate and calculated.  Someone made the meticulous effort and thought into harming people intentionally.  That is what I cannot wrap my head around.  I still think continuously of those little children at Sandy Hook and what all of those lives must be like now.  I can't stop thinking about these runners and spectators at the marathon yesterday.  I've thought...that could have been me and my family.  That could have been any of my friends that are runners and their families.  My family has been crowded together at the finish line many times.  This could have easily happened to them.  After the news came through that there was a bomb at the marathon yesterday the magnitude of it had my office going into sheer panic.  Panic for our coworker and our friend who was running the marathon.  Panic for his wife who I knew would be waiting for him at the finish line like she has done so many times before.  We were all so worried until we were able to hear from him and confirm that they were both ok.  So many people didn't get that phone call. 

A few months ago we were required to go through active shooter training at work.  I don't think anyone is really prepared for what they are going to discuss or show when you go into these types of things.  The one statement that the speaker said that has stuck with me since that day is forever branded into my mind.  He said...it's not IF it will happen to us, it's WHEN it will happen to us.  Is this our new normal?  Is this how we live our lives now? Do we always have to assume the worst in someone?  Being a police officer's wife, your opinion of people in general becomes rather jaded given what your spouse deals with on a daily basis.  But in the good ole days, this is really the only people who dealt with the bad (for the most part).  Unfortunately, I don't feel that's the case anymore and that's the sad part.

My hope is that my son will know that there is still some good in the world as he grows up.  In the meantime, I will continue to teach him that there are still some good people left who truly love others.  I will continue to teach him that there isn't so much hatred in the world that love and light still shine through.  I will continue to hold him close, hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him more than anything in the world multiple times a day.  If there is one thing that I've learned from all of these heinous acts of violence it's been that I don't know when my last day on this Earth will be so I will try to live everyday to its fullest.  I will try to remember to not sweat the small stuff and to not get too overwhelmed.  I will try to always treat others as I want to be treated.  I will try to always let those I love and hold dear to me know that as much as I can. 

I pray for the people affected by these tragic events such as these everyday. I ask God to bless them and help their families cope with whatever the outcome may be.  My thoughts and prayers are with those in Boston!