Two become three

So after what seemed like the quickest 8 months of my life, the last month before Grant was due seemed to DRAG by so SLOWLY. I had enjoyed pregnancy to the fulliest. I felt that I had been a good "pregnant woman". I had been happy and I don't feel like I was TOO hormonal. Jeremiah may disagree with this statement. :) By week 37...I was over it. I was tired of wearing the same 2 pair of pants all the time and trying my best to make it look like a new outfit every day. I was tired of literally rolling out of bed and sliding out of my seat to get out of my car. I was walking at lunch, climbing stadium stairs, doing squats, eating spicy food, eating fresh pineapple. Whatever wives tale there was...I tried it. The bottom line was...I was ready to see and have my baby. Every time I went to the doctor I was dilated further along and I kept thinking any day now.


Finally, at 39 weeks, while at work and after a lunch hour of walking, stadium stairs, and squats I started feeling contractions at work. I wasn't too sure I was in labor so I just monitoring them. I remember telling my coworkers, I'm sure hoping you guys don't see me tomorrow. I went home, ate dinner, got a bath all the while the contractions were getting stronger and closer together. Finally after monitoring pretty strong contractions at 5-6 minutes apart for over a hour, Jeremiah packed the car and off to the hospital we went. Everyone in Hartsville was under strict orders to wait to leave Hartsville until we were at the hospital and got the official word that we were truly in labor. That was short lived because once we started making phone calls no one was listening to me. Everyone started packing it up and heading this way. We had to check in through the ER since we were there after hours and Jeremiah got to push me in the wheelchair which was comical because he was sweating after pushing me just a few feet. Little did he know the brake was still on! :) I got the biggest laugh out of that.

We were monitored and put in a room where we were patiently awaiting my baby to make his appearance. I finally gave in to the epidural around 11:30 at 6-7 cm dilated. That whole experience was AMAZING. The nurse who administered my epidural was the BEST. I LOVED her. To make a long story short after being in labor all night and getting zero sleep, my doctor came in at 6:30 the next morning to finally check me. After being dilated to 8 cm since 2 am, she said he was face up and wasn't budging and we were going to do a c-section. This is NOT what I had envisioned. I got so upset...I wanted to be able to have my baby...I wanted to be able to hold him right away. At about 8 am while waiting for the OR to open up my epidural was wearing off and I started feeling contraction again. I looked at Jeremiah and said…ok…I’m over it…let’s just go and get this over with. Everything seemed to happen all at once. My room went from 4 people in it to about 10 in 1 minute. I was transported from bed to bed. Jeremiah was all geared up in scrubs. I’ll never forget that nervous feeling being wheeled out of the labor and delivery room and looking at my mom and sister and thinking…I’m about to be a mom. I was so nervous that something was going to go wrong. The staff was wonderful. Everyone kept talking to me trying to keep me calm and ensure me that everything was going to be fine. They wouldn’t let Jeremiah go in with me right away because I had to be prepped for surgery first. At 9:10 am they finally let Jeremiah into the OR to be by my side. While bringing him in the doctor was making my incision and by 9:15 am our baby boy was here. Everyone kept saying…he’s here…Grant’s here. All the nurses were smiling and so excited. And all I remember saying was…he is a boy right? After all the surprises I had been through in such a short amount of time all I needed was for them to tell me my little boy was really a little girl. I remember looking at Jeremiah and just crying and saying to him…he’s here…he’s really here. I had waited for this moment for so long. We had tried to have a baby for over 2 years. I just couldn’t believe that it was finally our turn and our little miracle was right there before our eyes. And the best part was that he was absolutely PERFECT! The nurse took a picture of all three of us and she held him so I could give him kisses before Jeremiah took him to the nursery.

It was several hours before I got to see him. But the first time the nurse put him in my arms he opened his eyes and looked at me as if to say…hey mommy…there you are. I know all moms are prejudice over their children and think they are the cutest ever but I will brag and say that I do have myself a pretty baby.

Grant entered this world on November 16, 2010 weighing in at 7lbs 4ozs at 20 ¼ inches long. I know Grant had so many angels with him before he made his way to us. I know his grandpa Martin and his Uncle Russell were probably among his favorite.

Thank you to everyone for all the well wishes, congratulations, love, and support. My family has truly been blessed with this miracle and I thank God every day that I have him. He is such a special sweet spirit! Mommy and Daddy love you Grant Douglas Beam!

"A Great Day"

Do you ever really stop to think the lessons we can learn from children? 

Two weekends ago I went to Hartsville.  I couldn't wait to get home and see Heather and Emma and spend time with them.  We had dinner plans to meet some friends and for Emma to play with her friend Campbell that Friday night.  After a wonderful dinner with friends and Emma and Campbell playing until their hearts were content we headed home.  On the way home while looking out the window Emma said the most precious words..."I've had a great day!"  Heather and I just looked at each other and those sweet words brought tears to my eyes.  I sat and thought and have constantly thought since that night...how special and amazing this little girl is.  I asked myself did anything really spectacular happen to her that particular day?  Did something happen at school or daycare or home?  It was just another ordinary day.  She got up, she went to school then to SuSu's, and her mommy picked her up to wait on my arrival.  When I finally got to Hartsville late afternoon, there they both sat waiting on me on the front porch.  Then she got to play with Campbell which is one of her favorite people.  Her statement was such an eye opener for me.  She taught me that it doesn't take a whole lot to make your day great.  She taught me that the simplest of days can be the best of days.  She taught me to enjoy every single day that I am given.  She taught me to be thankful for everything that I have for that everything I have is a gift.  The lessons that I learned from her that night have forever been branded into my mind.  We are never too old to learn and someone is never too young to teach.  I'm so thankful for all of my family especially my nieces and nephew.  The innocence that they have and the happiness that they possess always puts a smile on my face. 

"Over It"

I've been thinking a lot lately about my brother-in-law, Russell and how much I miss him and where do we go from here.  Don't get me wrong...I think about him every single day but lately my heart has been really heavy.  You can blame it on the hormonal pregnant thing or you can just simply say that my heart isn't no where near healed from him being gone. 

It's been 6 months now and even though those 6 months have flown by it still seems as time has been standing still for some of us.  My sister has been done such an amazing job at being so strong and getting through every single day.  She gets up every morning and does what she has to do to get through the day...she does this for Emma and she does this for herself because she knows that she doesn't have any other choice.  I have always admired my sister and looked up to her but now more than ever she is such an inspiration to me and I become more proud of her every single day.  Losing your spouse and your whole world turning upside down is not easy and those that think so obviously have never had anything or anyone close to them taken away.  She is an amazing wife, an awesome mom, and the best sister and best friend that anyone could ever have.  She has helped me so much the past few months get ready for this baby and I couldn't thank her enough for that.  I know helping me prepare for Grant hasn't probably been easy on her and her emotions but she is the one that has put my mind at ease and has helped me come up with a plan and get organized. 

The words "over it" have been brought to my attention this past week and the simple thought that many people assume that 6 months is plenty of time to heal and get "over it".  Even though no one has spoken these words to me or my family...it's just a simple impression that you get when you know people are judging you or looking at you.  Do you ever get "over" someone close to you passing away?  My answer to that is absolutely NOT.  You never get over it.  You have to learn to live a new life and learn how to get through it.  How long is it enough time to grieve?  My answer to that is there isn't an answer for that.  Everyone grieves differently.  For some 6 months may be plenty of time but for others it could take a long time.  For those that have been fortunate enough to have never experienced hardships or the trajedy of someone close to you passing away consider yourselves very lucky.  Very lucky that you haven't had to learn to deal with the heartache and emptiness that is left inside of you.  I simply ask that if you do fall into this category that you be sympathetic and understanding to those that aren't as fortunate as you.  No one is asking for you to bring it up daily or to give them "that look" because we all know that everyone's lives continue.  But I do think those that have lost someone are asking for you to be mindful that their world isn't.  We are all busy and we all have our own things going on.  But one person's life may not be just that simple.  For those of us that have been unfortunate enough to have experienced hardships and the trajedy of losing someone...I commend you.  I commend you and look up to you for getting through every day and for forcing a smile to make someone happy.  No one really knows and understands what goes on in your head and in your heart. 

Even though I try to understand the loss that my sister deals with everyday and I try to be her rock...I don't know what that emptiness she feels everyday feels like.  I can only let her know every single day that I love her and that I am here for her no matter what.  She knows that she can tell me anything.  She knows that she can call me anytime and I will answer that phone and talk to her.  She knows that she can call me and not say a word and just cry and I will cry with her.  She knows that I can make her smile and laugh when she needs it.  She knows that I will not judge her or tell her what she needs to do.  She knows that I am there to help her with Emma and anything that she needs.  She knows that I am her sister and I am her best friend and I am not far away.  My sister is wonderful and amazing and one of the strongest people I know and I love her very much! 

Catching Up...

So it's been a while since I've updated the blog...

I finally got to go to Disney!!!  After 27 and 31 long awaited years, my sister and I finally got to have the magical experience of Disney World!  Heather had a conference down there for a week...so me, Heather, Emma, mom and John all loaded up and took the very long 8 hour excursion to Florida.  We had so much fun and it was wonderful to get to see it all through Emma's eyes.  We got to ride rides (well I didn't get to ride much because of being pregnant), see a parade and fireworks, meet and get autographs from Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella, Belle, Goofy, Pluto, and best of all Minnie and Mickey.  Emma was memorized when she finally got to meet Mickey and Minnie.  Her expression and the few minutes she got to spend with them was so worth every single penny I spent to get in to that park.  Emma still talks about how Minnie kissed her arm and twirled her around and danced with her.  It was the most precious thing I have ever seen!  We got to spend time with other family and friends that got to go down for that week as well.  My favorite thing of the week was the time that I got to spend with Emma.  Emma and I got to spend a lot of quality time with each other.  She is such a smart and special little girl with such a big heart that you can't help but to fall in love with.  Aunty loves you very much Emma Grey! 

Jeremiah and I found out about a month ago that we are having a baby BOY!  I had a feeling for a month or so before that that it was a boy but you never know with these things.  It was a little overwhelming to finally get to see our baby on the screen and to see that there really is something in there.  Once the doctor told us it was a boy it finally seemed real...the baby became a person instead of an "it".  So, we've been in baby mode every since..or at least I have.  I have just a little obsession with being organized and getting everything checked off that I have on a list.  After numerous conversations with my sister, she has always calmed me down and put it in perspective for me.  We got me registered yesterday.  I came to the realization that I don't care how prepared you think you are...the thought of "Oh my God, there is so much stuff to get!" will cross your mind!  If I didn't have my sister there with me telling me..."Here, scan this, you will need this." I would have probably been in there for days!  We will be putting up the crib this weekend as well as painting the room.  A HUGE thank you to the best sister ever who is sharing this wonderful experience with me.  I know that sometimes it isn't always easy but I wouldn't have any other person helping me through all of this other than you.  Thank you for always being there for me, listening to me, and helping with everything!  I love you so much!

Aahhhh Vacation

So we finally got to take our annual vacation to Santee last week.  We usually go in July but since Santee is a place where there is absolutely no breeze, we decided to move it up to June.  My dad, stepmom, brother and his family, Heather and Emma, and me and Jeremiah always meet up down there for a few days of fun.  This year we had 3 very active children who were full of energy and attitude.  We all love to go to Santee and fish, sit in the sun, play cornhole, eat, ride the boat, and catch up with each other.  We really are spoiled with our setup down there.  This year we decided to get a bigger pool for the kids since we now have Ethan running after the girls.  We had many laughs, some cries, and lots of enjoyous moments.  If you saw my status on facebook you will know that it was a jammed pack 5 days.  The first day we were down there we could tell that something was wrong with the water.  After the boys removed the very heavy concrete slab (which they deemed "the tomb of Jesus") off the water pump to investigate they quickly came to the resolution that we might be packing it up to go right back where we came from: home!  After the plumber came out the next morning all was well and we could continue our trip.  The girls kept getting splinters in their feet which was such a joy and privilege to remove.  Heather and I went back to Hartsville for a day to go to Charlotte with my mom and John to see Wicked.  Uncle got the opportunity to help babysit all the kids and to gain some experience in that area.  From the report that Emma gave, he was a good babysitter.  Jeremiah ended up leaving early because apparently that's what undercover agents do when they have a case that they have been working on for 5 months is finally going down.  We had a not so fun game of hide-n-seek with Ellie Kate.  But after we all calmed down, Friday evening was an enjoyable last night for all of us.  It was so much fun watching the girls play together and you can't help but laugh when they have their "meltdowns" as Ellie Kate would call them or their bickering moments with each other.  Ethan was so sweet and we all enjoyed listening to him talk and say new words and ride the fourwheeler all on his own.  He is such a big boy now!  Words can't describe how proud we are of him and how lucky our family is to have him in it.  Emma Grey, Ellie Kate, and Ethan are truly a blessing to all of us and can always put a smile on our faces.

All in all we had another great trip to Santee but this year was definitely harder for all of us because of the biggest piece of the puzzle was missing: Russell.  It was very difficult being there without him.  When you think of Santee the one person that comes to my mind is Russell.  Santee is everything that Russell was about.  I don't know of anyone that loved it more than he did.  I missed him so much and it just didn't feel right without him there.  It was extremely difficult for my sister.  Russell, Heather, and Emma always made multiple trips to Santee during the year.  As if it isn't hard enough not having him at home everyday for her...it was even harder not having him there with us at the one place that he loved more than anything.  Even though he wasn't there with us physically, I know he was right there with us spiritually.  I could feel him there with us enjoying the weather, the kids, the music, and the peacefulness that Santee has.  Although he would probably have been disappointed in us because we didn't fish a lot...I know he was smiling down on us enjoying the place that he enjoyed the most.  Russell...you are never far from our minds, we miss you more than you will ever know, and we love you very much.  We know that you are right here with us, we know that you love us and miss us, and we know that you watch over us everyday.  God couldn't of given us a better angel. 

A Mother's Love

This past weekend was Mother's Day and I got to go home for the entire weekend.  Every Mother's Day is special but for some reason this one touched me more.  It was great to spend the day with all of my family and all of the women that make my life special.  I was touched by all of the love that we share and all the blessings that have been given to us. 

My sister and I woke up to Emma looking at Heather and saying "Happy Mother's Day Mommy"! It was the sweetest thing I've ever heard.  She was very good all day and would kiss and hug Heather all throughout the day.  You can tell she really wanted her mommy to know that she loves her very much.  We walked into church to my mom's face lighting up because we were there.  My aunts and my grandmother immediately smiled from ear to ear when they saw us.  We heard a special message from Ellie Kate to my mom wishing GaGa a happy Mother's Day.  To hear her voice from hours a way was so special and loving that I had to listen to it twice. 

It was a great day that I got to spend with the women that are the most important to me and that raised me to be who I am today. I'm so thankful to have all of them in my life. Everyone made this a special day for me as well. I'm so grateful for my family, especially my sister, grandmother, and mom. All three have set such wonderful examples of the kind of mother that I want to be. They have all inspired me and continue to do so everday. Happy Mother's Day to all of you mothers out there...for those who are and for those that aren't yet but will be soon. You all have such an important but yet special job and place in this world. It's because of you that we are all here.

A New Beginning

So...I'm completely new at this blogging thing and it looks like it might take a while for me to get the hang of it. We will see how it goes! :(

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while but felt like tonight would be a great time to start. My heart has been really heavy lately, especially the past few days. If you are familar with me and my family you will know that the past several months have been very difficult and trying times for all of us. Actually the past 2 years have been pretty rough. My sister lost her husband 3 months ago in a car accident. It definitely has thrown all of us for a loop. We have experienced trajedy before as a family but not to this degree. Some things have happened recently that have opened my eyes and rejuvenated my faith. I have felt very lost since Russell's passing and can only imagine how my sister feels everyday. My sister is my best friend and I know opening her eyes every morning and simply getting out of bed is a huge feat for her to do day in and day out let alone make it throughout the day teaching and taking care of a 4 year old. I continue to be inspired by her strength and willingness every day to keep trying. If you know me at all, you know I will do anything for my family, especially my sister and her little girl. If I could sacrifice anything that would bring Russell back to them I would and wouldn't think twice about it. I want to see my sister smile again...I want to see light in her eyes...I want her to be happy. I realize that this is still a long way a way but after this week I have the faith that this will come again. I know it won't be right away but a small step forward is what I will take!

I was hit with the overwhelming feeling of love, devotion, and gratitude for all of my family yesterday. I've always known how blessed I have been to have a family like I do but sometimes you tend to take them for granted. But I have been constantly reminded of this especially in the past 3 months. The way all of my family has pulled together for one cause: my sister and niece has been overpowering. Differences and arguments have been put aside and forgotten and replaced with nothing but love, support, and affection. My family with the help of many of our close and personal friends has rallied together and I can honestly say how proud I am of each and every one of us.

My faith was tested when Russell was taken away from us. I was angry that he was taken at such a young age. I was angry that my sister and niece lost him and would never see him again. I was angry that they were alone. I was angry that my sister hurt so much. You name it I was angry about it. Then Jeremiah and I found out about a month later that we were pregnant. We have been trying for almost two years and we couldn't believe that of all times it had happened now. We were excited but I was very nervous to tell our family. I felt that this was God's way of teaching me and reassuring me that he has a plan for all of us. It may not be what we want it to be or on our time table and we may or may not be happy about any of it but he definitely has a plan for every single one of us. I still hurt daily for my sister, niece, and Russell and they are the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. I know we will get them through this we just have to take it one day at a time...one step at a time. My family deserved some good news and I'm hoping that this miracle baby is just the way to bring a little bit of light into our lives. I can't help but think that Russell even had a little bit to do with it all.

Today has been a good day...today my dad's blood levels came back 0.0 and a year later is still cancer free...today my nephew has started saying a whole slew of new words! I can't wait for that baby who has fought the odds and has jumped leaps and bounds over every trial he has experienced since he was born on Christmas Eve '08 to say "Aunty". Today I was reminded of how blessed I am to have my family and for all of us to be so close...today I'm thankful for all of those that I love very much and hold close to my heart...today I remember those that I no longer have in my life and that I miss very much. I have to remember that with a step forward may come two steps back but with faith we will continue to take those steps forward.