A New Beginning

So...I'm completely new at this blogging thing and it looks like it might take a while for me to get the hang of it. We will see how it goes! :(

I've been wanting to start a blog for a while but felt like tonight would be a great time to start. My heart has been really heavy lately, especially the past few days. If you are familar with me and my family you will know that the past several months have been very difficult and trying times for all of us. Actually the past 2 years have been pretty rough. My sister lost her husband 3 months ago in a car accident. It definitely has thrown all of us for a loop. We have experienced trajedy before as a family but not to this degree. Some things have happened recently that have opened my eyes and rejuvenated my faith. I have felt very lost since Russell's passing and can only imagine how my sister feels everyday. My sister is my best friend and I know opening her eyes every morning and simply getting out of bed is a huge feat for her to do day in and day out let alone make it throughout the day teaching and taking care of a 4 year old. I continue to be inspired by her strength and willingness every day to keep trying. If you know me at all, you know I will do anything for my family, especially my sister and her little girl. If I could sacrifice anything that would bring Russell back to them I would and wouldn't think twice about it. I want to see my sister smile again...I want to see light in her eyes...I want her to be happy. I realize that this is still a long way a way but after this week I have the faith that this will come again. I know it won't be right away but a small step forward is what I will take!

I was hit with the overwhelming feeling of love, devotion, and gratitude for all of my family yesterday. I've always known how blessed I have been to have a family like I do but sometimes you tend to take them for granted. But I have been constantly reminded of this especially in the past 3 months. The way all of my family has pulled together for one cause: my sister and niece has been overpowering. Differences and arguments have been put aside and forgotten and replaced with nothing but love, support, and affection. My family with the help of many of our close and personal friends has rallied together and I can honestly say how proud I am of each and every one of us.

My faith was tested when Russell was taken away from us. I was angry that he was taken at such a young age. I was angry that my sister and niece lost him and would never see him again. I was angry that they were alone. I was angry that my sister hurt so much. You name it I was angry about it. Then Jeremiah and I found out about a month later that we were pregnant. We have been trying for almost two years and we couldn't believe that of all times it had happened now. We were excited but I was very nervous to tell our family. I felt that this was God's way of teaching me and reassuring me that he has a plan for all of us. It may not be what we want it to be or on our time table and we may or may not be happy about any of it but he definitely has a plan for every single one of us. I still hurt daily for my sister, niece, and Russell and they are the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing before I go to sleep. I know we will get them through this we just have to take it one day at a time...one step at a time. My family deserved some good news and I'm hoping that this miracle baby is just the way to bring a little bit of light into our lives. I can't help but think that Russell even had a little bit to do with it all.

Today has been a good day...today my dad's blood levels came back 0.0 and a year later is still cancer free...today my nephew has started saying a whole slew of new words! I can't wait for that baby who has fought the odds and has jumped leaps and bounds over every trial he has experienced since he was born on Christmas Eve '08 to say "Aunty". Today I was reminded of how blessed I am to have my family and for all of us to be so close...today I'm thankful for all of those that I love very much and hold close to my heart...today I remember those that I no longer have in my life and that I miss very much. I have to remember that with a step forward may come two steps back but with faith we will continue to take those steps forward.